Things Not Mentioned in the Buenos Aires Guidebook

Travel tips from a 2014 visit to Argentina

GETTING THERE: Your flight from Houston to Buenos Aires may be diverted to Lima, Peru, in the middle of the night for “smoke in the cockpit,” and you may go through Peru customs even though it was never your intention to visit Peru. The airline never informs you of any status. You will hear bits and pieces of why this happened, but mostly they are rumors from the other passengers. You will wait in the Lima airport for over 16 hours, with all computer systems down, until the airline finally puts you on a regional airline flight, with a handwritten ticket. You will be reminded that international delays are not particular. Everyone gets bumped, from wealthy jetsetters with designer luggage, to a furry backpacker hippie boy who will address a long line of tired travelers with the encouragement, “It’ll all be okay, man, if we all just dance!”

CURRENCY: It’s obvious to everyone, including the Argentinian government, that black-market, or “blue” currency, is the only way to go. Avoid the banks, where one dollar equals 8.5 pesos. Instead, visit the shady “cambio” exchangers along Florida Street, find the address you were given, go up a flight of stairs, walk around the corner, and find two silver-haired men sitting at a tiny table littered with newspapers. The one with the pompadour and monogrammed polo club shirt will take you into an unmarked office roughly the size of two phone booths. He will turn on the air conditioner, light a cigarette, walk around the corner to sit behind the window, and show you the current rate—13 pesos to the dollar. Over 35% more than the official rate. He will tell you he only takes 50s and 100s. You give him your U.S. cash, he counts out everything that he has, then opens the door and yells something at his partner, who disappears and then returns with a wrinkled paper bag filled with more cash. He counts out the rest and slips it to you in a thick wad wrapped with a rubber band. It will feel like you’ve just done business with the mob. You shove this in your pocket and walk out into the bustling sidewalk traffic, and walk quickly a few blocks, then check to make sure you’re not being followed. The system works perfectly.

MEDIA: The English-language Buenos Aires Herald is a handy way to keep up on current events. For instance, Argentina leads all South American countries in its disdain for the United States. A new poll says only 36% of Argentinians have a “favorable view” of the U.S., because of something about economics and junk bonds and debt. Even Venezuela likes us more than Argentina.

STREET LIFE: The streets of B.A. will be alive with people whistling and singing to themselves. Dogs will bark at each other so often, many of them now wear muzzles. There will be lots of dog shit. There was once a time, many many years ago, when every sidewalk of every metropolitan area in Latin America was smoothly paved. That era is long gone.

ATTRACTIONS: There are dozens of traditional tango shows, large and small. Many street corners will feature free tango performances, with a man and woman dancing the moves, accompanied by a portable stereo. Their costumes will remind you of steampunk people, and their thick makeup will remind you of drag queens.

There will be many statues depicting a man astride a horse, posed fiercely. This is a good sign. Never trust a city that does not have a statue of a man on a horse. If you don’t see this type of statue, it means the city was founded peacefully, without conflict, and therefore its citizens are just lazy.

The modern tango orchestra Fernández Fierro will perform regular shows at a former auto repair warehouse, which will still smell like oil and gasoline. The musicians will wear dreadlocks and punk t-shirts, and be accompanied by smoke and lasers. A tiny woman will enter and belt out a frighteningly intense tango vocal, and the crowd will go wild. If you plan to attend, bring a shitty kitchen chair, because there are not enough chairs, and your guest is admitted free. Pre-show music will be the entire album Led Zeppelin IV.

CUISINE: Each resident of Argentina consumes approximately 121 pounds of beef per year, among the highest rated in the world. During your visit, Argentina’s president Cristina Fernández de Kirchner will be hospitalized for colon problems. So there’s that.

There are many different cuts of steak available at restaurants. The “lomo” cut is approximately the size and shape of a baby manatee, and portions of this will linger in your Airbnb minibar fridge for some days afterwards.

CULTURE: Most guidebooks will give an overview of the country’s history. All good, but you should also read the writings of Jorge Luis Borges. He is perhaps the best-known Argentinian author, still taught in schools today. His writing is incredibly smart, and frequently hilarious. Note that he was for some years the national librarian, until the Perón regime came into power, realized his anti-fascist politics, and “promoted” him to chicken and rabbit inspector at the municipal market.

TRANSPORTATION: Driving lanes will be painted on streets, but these are just a suggestion. There are no such things as driving lanes. The sound of a transit bus mirror smacking a pedestrian at top speed, spinning the man into the street with papers flying everywhere, is unmistakable.

DIALECT: Any word in Argentina which contains two L letters together, such as “tortilla” or “parilla” is not pronounced with any L sounds. Parilla is pronounced as “par-ee-zha.” You will forgot this fact numerous times, and locals will stare at you impatiently.

When the locals, aka porteños, speak of people from “the provinces,” what they really mean are the bridge-and-tunnel redneck hillbilly Argentinians.

If you are not fluent in Spanish, take the time to memorize a few key phrases, and pronounce them with an Italian flair, which is one component of the local accent. During a typical conversation with a local, using a combination of broken English and dumb gesticulation, it’s impressive to suddenly burst into a fluent word or phrase in perfect Spanish. It can be something as ordinary as “jugo de naranja,” which is orange juice. Practice your phrase in front of a mirror and say it with gusto: “jugo de naranja!” This never fails to leave an impression. You will end up ordering a lot of orange juice, which is rich in vitamin C.