Soybean Steve Explains Chinese Tariffs
A dense overview of the soybean world—for children!
First of all, welcome to all of you new subscribers, thanks for following along! This week’s post is a weird one, so thank you for your patience.
This weekend we saw the death of Pope Francis, one day after meeting America’s vice president. It’s the first time in human history somebody met J.D. Vance and then said, “Wow, I’m so excited. Okay, now I can die.” Italy was clearly not impressed with the V.P. The Corriere della Sera described Vance, accompanied by an entourage of 40 vehicles and 50 security guards: “A simple American tourist, if it wasn’t for the escort of an emperor.” The Sunday Times gleefully noted that the Colosseum was closed for Vance’s visit, with “crowds of angry tourists baying at the gates,” and Vance not showing up, leaving the private tour to his wife Usha, and “three young children, brandishing plastic swords.” La Stampa editor Andrea Malaguti, still festering on Vance’s recent description of Europeans as “parasitic,” responded with: “It’s impossible to see him kneeling in Saint Peter’s with his hands joined, his eyes raised to heaven and his splendid family honored by the Swiss Guards, without wondering what type of Christ he carries in his heart. A God for everyone? Or a white nationalist lord, ready to put anyone to the sword who wanders from the moral rules of the cotton plantation?”
Meanwhile, our American markets are still tanking from the “reciprocal” tariffs, most notably with China. After Trump hiked levies on Chinese imports to an astonishing 145%, China retaliated by raising tariffs on U.S. goods to 125%. In the midst of this chaos, we keep hearing about the effect on U.S. soybean prices and soybean farmers. So I’ve turned this week’s post over to Soybean Steve, an unofficial spokesman for the soybean industry. I have no idea of his credibility, and he’s pretty vulgar. But he seemed especially eager to connect with young readers, so here is Soybean Steve.
Hi kids, I’m Soybean Steve! And today we’re going to learn about soybeans. Probably more than you ever cared to learn!
As you might know, we’re in the news lately. It’s the tariff war with China. Hey Steve, you ask. How does this relate to soybeans? Well, America grows a LOT of soybeans. Last year, 52% of our soybean exports went to China. And they’re getting a deal. Three years ago, soybeans were $17 a bushel, and right now it’s about $10 a bushel.
But does this sound familiar? Yes it does! America’s current president imposed similar tariffs back in 2018, and what happened? Soybean exports to China dropped 75% from the previous year. And that added up to a lot—U.S. farmers lost nearly $20 billion just in soybeans.
Were they mad? Well they should have been. But the President offered American farmers a $23 billion bailout. He’s got their vote!
So what’s the problem, Steve? Our farmers will just get another bailout, and everything will be fine, right? Not so fast. Since 2017, China has cut its imports of U.S. soybeans 14%, and increased its import of soybeans from Brazil by 35%. China is spending lots and lots of money on Brazilian infrastructure like railroads and ports and warehouses. And they are opening a brand-new $500 million terminal in Santos. Brazil might even cut down more of its rainforests to add another 70 million acres of land for soybeans. Lindo maravilhoso!
Does this mean, Steve, that U.S. soybean farmers are totally fucked? It sure sounds like it! There are 93,700 soybean farms in the U.S., and that’s declined 2.6% since 2020. Thanks to the tariff wars, Americans are losing money and jobs, because of me, the soybean!
I know what you’re thinking. What the hell is a soybean, and why should I care? And why are you smoking a cigar? Because I can. So fuck off!
The soybean fruit is a hairy pod that grows in clusters of three to five. Each pod is 1-3 inches long, and contains two to four seeds. Optimum growing conditions are between 70 to 85 degrees F. Soybeans were originally domesticated in East Asia—in China between 7,000 and 6,600 BC, between 5,000 and 3,000 BC in Japan, and 1,000 BC in Korea. For centuries Asia has consumed soybeans, and spends a careful amount of time making soy sauce, perfecting the fermentation process with special fungi, yeast, and mold. Is this the same soy sauce that comes in the little packets? No, goddammit! I’ll get to that.
America’s history with soybeans is more than odd. Civil War soldiers used soybeans as a substitute for coffee, and called them “coffee berries.” Car manufacturer Henry Ford was a big fan of soybeans. He planted thousands of acres, and even tried to build a car completely from soy-generated plastics. He also commissioned a suit made out of soybean fibers, and posed in it for magazine photos. Of course, he was also a real son of a bitch nutcase. The Nazi sympathizer actually wrote a publication called “The International Jew, the World’s Foremost Problem.”
Speaking of nutcases, here’s a picture of my nephew Earl. He’s a Christian. Doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink. Something’s wrong with his eyes. The lights are on but nobody’s home. We haven’t spoken in years.
Do you want to know a fun fact about soybeans? Before the 1970s, nobody in America gave a crap about ‘em. The only people who consumed them were Asian-Americans and Seventh-Day Adventists. Were they sitting at the same table? Probably not. But beginning in the 1970s, people we now know as the “hippie counterculture” started eating less meat, and the popularity grew for soybeans, and its slimy cousin tofu.
About 30 years ago, the U.S. became the world’s leader in soybean production. As China was going through its societal transformation into capitalism, they had more money, and started buying more soybeans from us. Not just to eat, you dummy! They needed to feed soybeans to their poultry, cattle, and pigs. To grow more animals to feed their own people.
We’re getting tired, Steve. Is that it? Hell no!
Soybeans are also used in dog food, oils, soap, cosmetics, plastics, inks, crayons, and clothing. Have you ever heard of biodiesel? Well, soybean oil is its primary source.
But how do the soybeans get to China, Steve? Isn’t that a long way? It sure is! Most American soybeans are grown in the upper Midwest and the Corn Belt. No, that’s not a belt that you wear. It’s a goddamn region!
After the fall harvest, beans are put on trucks and driven to grain elevators. Some are sold to American buyers. Trains take the rest to ports in the Pacific Northwest, and river barges haul some of them to the Mississippi Gulf. We beans are then loaded onto Panamax ships, which are skinnier than usual because they have to fit through the goddamn Panama Canal, and then off to China they go.
Steve! Hey Steve! Tell us about the soy sauce! Why can’t they just make soy sauce in the U.S.? Alright, Jesus fucking Christ, calm down. Yes, America does make soy sauce. Kikkoman has been brewing soy sauce in the U.S. for over 50 years, using North American ingredients. But Kikkoman is only one kind. You kids should expand your goddamn palettes. There are dozens of excellent light, medium, dark, and gluten-free sauces made in China, Japan, Korea, Indonesia, and Hawaii. Those little sauce packets that clutter up your mom’s refrigerator door? Not the real deal. Those are made from acid-hydrolyzed soy protein, and take only about three days to make. And it takes about five years for you to finally toss ‘em away.
But Steve, we’re exhausted. This is too much information about soybeans. So many numbers. Are you finally done? Almost. I want to tell you kids about the Soy Boy phenomenon. This is a nasty thing to call someone. It means that person is feminine, and may suffer from gynecomastia, those are called “man tits.” Caused by too much soy. Don’t worry about it, this is a bunch of bullshit. You’re too young to remember the Soy Boy moment in 1998, when Bob Dylan performed at the Grammy Awards, and a shirtless man jumped onstage and started dancing around, with the words “SOY BOMB” written on his chest. That man has a name, Michael Portnoy—Jesus, that rhymes with soy! Portnoy explained his actions to Entertainment Weekly: “Soy represents dense nutritional life…Bomb is, obviously, an explosive destructive force. So, soy bomb is what I think art should be: dense, transformational, explosive life.” Portnoy is now doing just fine. He’s a Director of Behavior at The Fifth Place absurdist art gatherings in New York, and he performs all over the world. And Bob Dylan is still touring until he drops.
That’s all for now, kids, this is Soybean Steve, signing off!