Defense Intelligence Agency Director Kevin Drummond

The newest member of the Trump administration

Through mutual acquaintances, I was able to interview Kevin Drummond, one of the administration’s newest employees. He is in fifth grade at Marin County’s Lucas Valley Elementary School, and is nine years old. Kevin was just hired as director of the Defense Intelligence Agency, replacing Lieutenant General Jeffrey A. Kruse, who was fired by emoji earlier this week. We met for lunch in San Rafael, at the Habit Burger & Grill. He wore baggy pants, a baggy hoodie, and sneakers. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

So the DIA is very important to the defense of the United States.

Yeah, for real. It’s also in the name, duh.

In a week, you fly to Washington to begin work in this department. It’s an enormous responsibility. Have you been studying the intricacies of running such an organization?

Not much. I figure I’ll learn on the job like everyone else. Doesn’t seem that hard. A lot of it’s on TikTok.

The previous director, Jeffrey Kruse, has served in the military since 1990.

Yeah, I was born in 2016.

Right, you’re in fifth grade. How did the government think of you for this position?

Through my dad. He worked on The Apprentice. You know the opening credits, with the helicopter and the “Money money” song? He shot that. They liked him. They asked him to do the job first, but he was too old.

How old is your dad?

He’s like 40 or some shit. 43, 45? He says the word “cringe” but he doesn’t even use it right.

Why do you think they appointed you as the director?

Fresh vibe, I guess. New ideas. Check this side quest—more people riding e-bikes! The people that would be working under me? All the agents and stuff? Put ‘em on bikes, bro. Save a lot of driving time. Fresh air is epic. You wanna see mine? I just got a new one. It cost $11,000.

Maybe later. What’s your work experience? Have you had any part-time jobs, to make extra money?

Seriously? This is Marin, bro! You done with those fries?

Do you have any interest in what the agency does: surveillance, spying, that kind of thing?

Mission Impossible, bro! I’m here for the main character energy.

You were appointed to this position by the president of the United States. What are your thoughts about him?

Salty. Talks a lot. He’s really old. He slept with a porn star.

What do your parents think about you leaving California and going to work in Washington?

Yeah, they’re pretty delulu. Checked out. My dad takes Instagram photos all day, for The West Marin Feed. My mom started an ecstatic dance workshop, and then ran off with her ozone therapist. She got her blood flushed like 12 times. So they probably won’t even notice I’m gone.