Interview with an Insurrectionist
A conversation with Rev. Lamar Fullerton, aka the "DC Crapper"
Photo by Mostafa Bassim / Anadolu Agency / Getty Images.
The January 6, 2021 attack on America’s Capitol building numbered about 53,000 yahoos (although the president claimed 250,000). Of these people, the FBI estimates about 2,000 took part in criminal acts. Out of roughly 1,270 rioters who were convicted, Trump pardoned all but 14. Because, you know, they’re patriots.
And now, members of this unruly mob may be eligible for compensation from a new $1.8 billion “anti-weaponization fund,” an announcement which has outraged lawmakers from both parties. Senator Thom Tillis, R-N.C., calls it a “payout pot for punks.”
Among the convicted considering this rebate are the OAN news network, former Proud Boys leader Enrique Tarrio, pro-Trump “fake electors” from 2020, loudmouthed pillow salesman Mike Lindell, and a number of random agitators who smell a cash grab.
I had hoped to interview one of these “anti-weaponization fund” applicants for this week’s Substack post. Unfortunately, with deadline approaching, I was forced to make it up. Rev. Lamar Fullerton does not actually exist. But we do cover a lot a ground.
Can you say your name please?
Reverend Lamar Fullerton.
And where do you live?
Lamar, Tennessee, sir.
So it was named after your family or something?
Nope. Just coincidence. Honestly, I get tired of hearing about it.
And you are a minister, correct?
Yessir. Reverend Lamar Fullerton.
How large is Lamar, Tennessee?
It’s an unincorporated area, sir.
And how large is your church?
Well, right now it’s just me.
I’m sorry?
I’m the minister. But I’m currently also the only member.
So this is essentially the “Church of Lamar Fullerton”?
I’m sort of experimenting with a few different names, but yeah.
And your family, wife and kids, are they not members?
They aren’t ready yet. I haven’t asked them to renounce their faith and join mine. It’s a little tense in the house right now.
And do you anticipate getting more followers?
At some point, yeah, I’ll have to open it up.
So take me back to January 2021. You learn of this gathering to be held at the nation’s capitol. What’s the first thing you do?
Well sir, I was already going to meetings with a QRF outside Nashville.
I’m sorry, what is a QRF?
Quick Reaction Force. Just a buncha guys.
Were these like, Proud Boys, or Oath Keepers?
Oh no. Just some free-thinking white men who like guns and religion, and believe that Joe Biden is a demon sent to destroy America.
Whoah, hold on. What did you just say? Joe Biden is a demon?
Yessir. With a full set of wings, and a tail. There’s plenty of evidence. I don’t wanna go too deep, but you watch the things he’s said? It makes a lot of sense.
Wow. So five years later, we now know that people participated in this event for a number of reasons. The Great Replacement Theory. The Critical Race Theory. Elections that were supposedly rigged. The QAnon belief in a “shadowy cabal” which controls the government. And you say you decided to attend because…
Joe Biden is a demon.
So you don’t agree with these other theories?
Ya know, I’m more of a demon guy. There’s a fair number of us. At least seven right now.
Did you pray with this group?
Absolutely not.
Why? Aren’t you a minister?
Yes I am. I tried leading the prayer a few times, but we just had too many disagreements over the Seven Seals, and the Prophet and the Bears and the Bald Head, and The Man Who Argued with a Donkey. In the Bible it clearly states that God allows a donkey to speak, and the donkey clearly says, “What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?” Those guys were all on board with the Biden Demon, but they just had some kind of mental block about the donkey. We would go round and round on that one: “That’s BS…donkeys can’t talk…why would God suddenly make a donkey talk?” It’s all right there! Numbers 22, King James. I mean, am I crazy? Another reason I started my own church.
Let’s move on. So you realized this event was happening on January 6. Some will later call this a “militia of morons.”
Not true. Some of them were doctors, lawyers, business guys.
But there were also people like you, a minister of a one-person church who believes Joe Biden is a demon and has wings and a tail.
Well, I also went to junior college for a semester.
How did you prepare for the event?
We were told this was gonna be big. Stop the Steal. So I started packing gear. Mossberg shotgun, AR-15 with the big clip, you know the ones you gotta order from Canada? Both my Glock 19s. My Ruike F181-B tactical knife. Fixed blade, easy to clean. Let’s see…YETI half-gallon Rambler jug. Power bank phone battery—I just duct-tape that to my hand so I always know where it is. Critter Ridder pepper spray. As far as clothing, I’m not real familiar with the terrain in that area, so I just wore my Carhartt with an orange vest so I don’t get shot at.
That’s a lot of weaponry.
And I don’t go anywhere without my Twizzlers.
Twizzlers? You mean, the snack?
Yessir, the strawberry. Black licorice gives me gas.
How did you get all of this stuff onto a plane?
Oh no, I drove my Prius.
Wait, you drive a Prius??
Yessir. 600 miles on one tank of gas. Didn’t even need to stop and fill up. Took I-81 most of the way, except for that part where it turns into I-64 in Virginia? But then it turns BACK into I-81. Which is weird, right? I mean, who’s designing these roads? Oh that’s right, President Eisenhower, don’t get me started on the 1958 Lebanon Crisis. He might have been a demon too. Anyway, then you just hang a right at 66 and it’s a straight shot. Why is that a surprise?
2019 Toyota Prius, in the color Electric Storm Blue.
I guess I thought you were a truck guy. Is it because of the mileage?
Mileage is one of the reasons, yessir. And I just like the color. Electric Storm Blue. It’s a nice contrast to the little figurines I set up on the dashboard. I’ve got a Jesus, a horse, and a cow, and a bunny rabbit, and a Kenny Chesney, a donk—
Okay, so you pull your Prius into DC, with all these weapons, and what do you remember happening?
Well sir, I checked in with my Demon QRF, people were saying no weapons today. First we’re supposed to load up and roll in hot, and now they’re saying no? Then why did we bring ‘em? It makes no sense. So I left it all in the trunk. We gathered at the field, listened to some speeches. That guy with the Nixon tattoo on his back?
Roger Stone.
Yeah, he was walking around. Alex Jones was there. And that guy with the horns.
The QAnon Shaman.
Yeah. A little cartoony for my taste. Reminded me of the Flintstones. So then the speeches end, and our President says we’re gonna march to the Capitol, and I’ll be right there with you, and we all walked to the Capitol, and there were some police and barricades but there were too many of us, and we crawled up the sides of the building and some guys broke a window and then they opened the doors and we were inside. God was on our side.
Planet of the Apes in progress. Photo by Associated Press.
Oh I’m sure he was. So Rep. Andrew Clyde from Georgia has claimed that if one didn’t know the video footage was from January 6, “you would actually think it was a normal tourist visit.” What in the hell was he talking about?
I can’t speak to that, sir. We were there to exorcise the demon of Joe Biden.
But Joe Biden wasn’t even in the building!
His spirit was. He was a senator, and then vice president. His demonic spirit still lingered in the building.
Right. Okay…so this is something else I want to ask you. There was a lot of video taken that day, and there is a very, very clear image of you, Reverend Lamar Fullerton, in your orange vest and your YETI bottle, pulling down your pants and taking a dump on the floor. And then wiping it on the wall.
There’s a real good explanation for that.
Oh, I’d love to hear it.
So in the book of Ezekiel, 4:12-15, the siege of Jerusalem, God ordered Ezekiel to bake his bread over a flame of human feces: “And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight.” At first I thought, oh man, is Ezekiel eating his own poop? Like my dog in the backyard? This is crazy—why would God force him to do this? I read all the versions, I must have looked through ten Bibles and then I realized, oh! The poop is the FUEL of the fire that cooks the bread. The siege of Jerusalem is the symbolic modern interpretation of the siege of Washington, the fight for freedom and justice, right? And the “dung that cometh out of man” is supposed to be witnessed by all, “in their sight”—it’s all right there in the scripture. I’m not an idiot.
Hallways of the Capitol. Photo by Victor J. Blue/Bloomberg.
But that still doesn’t explain why you would wipe your own feces on the walls.
Okay, here’s the deal. We got into the building, and I realized, oh I haven’t had a bowel movement for over a day. It was a long drive from Tennessee. Should I try to find a bathroom? Everybody’s shouting, it’s noisy, people are fighting with the cops. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I went over into a corner, the doorway of an office. I pulled out one of my pocket Bibles. It’s always good to have something to read, you might be awhile.
Wait. You carry more than one Bible with you?
Yessir, three at all times. King James, English Standard, and New Living if I’m talking to kids or dummies. So anyway, people are hollering and running up and down the hallways, and I’m just squatting there. I turned to Ezekiel and read that passage, “dung that cometh out of man,” and realized, of course! This is what I have to do. I have to warn people, there is a siege taking place in America right now, and we have to bake bread by burning feces. So we’ll use mine! As I was wiping the walls, I even said it out loud: “I’m Rev. Lamar Fullerton, and I hereby donate my feces.”
That whole line of reasoning makes absolutely no sense.
It’s a metaphor.
No it’s not a metaphor. You wiped your own shit on the walls of the American Capitol. I can’t even believe—what you did? That’s a crime.
Not according to the Bible.
That building is a symbol of American democracy. You and your buddies were desecrating it all day long—the nooses, Confederate flags, pro-Nazi signs, anti-Semetic images, assaulting the police, people threatening to hang Mike Pence and Nancy Pelosi, guys were pissing in the hallways—
Hey! There was only one pisser that I know of. A guy from Florida.
And you wiped your own crap on the walls—are you four years old? What’s wrong with you?
God told me to do it.
No he did not. And neither did a talking donkey.
Well, that’s your story.
So were you arrested?
Yessir. Pled guilty. I mean, I’ve seen CSI. If they did a DNA test on the feces it would link back to me anyway. Served 60 days. “Destruction of property on Capitol grounds with a Number Two bodily function.” The judge said that was a first. And then President Trump pardoned all of us.
Yes he did. So you know about the slush fund. There’s now $1.8 billion of taxpayer dollars available for citizens who’ve been—
I’ve already applied.
You have?
Yessir. I figure 2 million is fair.
Two million?! How do you come to that number?
Mental anguish.
Mental anguish? You wiped your feces on the walls!
I didn’t mind my friends watching me do it. But when it went all over the news, you know, oh, we’ve identified him. They started calling me the “DC Crapper,” and there’s my face, and my name, Rev. Lamar Fullerton, Lamar, Tennessee. Guys in jail were cool about it, I guess it happens a lot on the inside. But after I was released, everywhere I went people were making jokes, “Oh look, it’s the DC Crapper.” Handing me rolls of toilet paper. It’s embarrassing. I figure that’s worth 2 million.
So American taxpayers may be paying you 2 million dollars, for wiping your feces inside the Capitol building.
Seems fair to me.
According to the Associated Press, as of May 23, 2026, our government’s Justice Department has scrubbed its own website of press releases pertaining to January 6 cases, in an attempt to rewrite history.
Photo by Kent Nishimura / Los Angeles Times / TNS.
This is very funny, also perfectly psycho. Baad Balaam, bad, bad! Do not strike no donkey. They have long memories.